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If Mercedes Had Any Sense, Their Driver Search Would Be OVER!

Mercedes has posted a job opening on their website. Mercedes is a demanding company but rewards hard work with a highly competitive benefits package. Including, generous bonuses, private medical coverage, a company car, gym and restaurant facilities. So what pray-tell is the position offering such phenomenal benefits? That would be the recently vacated position of Formula 1 Driver.

That said, I would like to officially throw my name into the running for the 2nd Mercedes F1 seat. I am more than willing to travel the world, and do all of the driving they require of me.

I am a complete and total self-starter who has no problem working with a team, provided the team isn’t a roaming pack of shit sticks. All I ask is that I be given an equal chance as does Lewis. I think I have earned that.

My track record is highly decorated, as my combined Gran Turismo and Project CARS resume will attest. I can provide further examples of my industry leading skills in steering braking and most importantly accelerating. The local law enforcement can attest on my behalf on that last bit.

While I do not have a FIA Super Licence at this time I believe my 15+ years driving in the great state of New Jersey more than makes up for it. Navigating a F1 race should be easy compared to the average NJ commute.

Believe you me, I have absolutely no problem at all letting Mercedes know what a car is doing at any moment. Build me a great car and we won’t have any problems. As for the competition, I am happy to report how good they look as a shrinking dot in my rear view mirror. This I would do even if it wasn’t required.

Lastly, the Media. As long as they continuously shower me with praise and adulation we will not have a problem. Should they deviate from this very simple edict there will be issues. However I see no reason for them to be anything but complementary and gracious in the face of my presence. The Media should not be a problem.

Should Mercedes require it, I can provide multiple references. My colleagues at Shifting Lanes, albeit begrudgingly will inform you of my extraordinary features. They will in no way provide an excruciatingly detailed list of my shortcomings.

So Mercedes, should you find that your typical candidates aren’t doing it for you give me a shout. I will gladly provide my services as a racecar driver, and might I add, at a considerable discount to the usual salary demanded by F1 drivers.

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